Some days are so easy to get up and do what I have to do and then others I am anxious from the restless night before.
At night my mind comes alive with many thoughts of “what if’s”. I am my hardest critic, yet I think everyone else can see right through me like glass. I can take something someone has said and twist it to believe they meant something else. I take comfort knowing from other readings that most borderlines do this. But sometimes it makes me want to scream from a mountain top. I can feel so isolated in my thoughts and it can consume me; the endless thoughts which can even make me think of self-harm. Although I have learned to curb that in my latter years. As a youth that could make it all just go away as if nothing ever hurt me.
I have been back on medication since December of 2016. I do enjoy taking solace in the lessened anxiety, but with it comes memory loss and sometimes general lethargy. I feel I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I had my second breakdown in November of 2016, my first in 2011 which is when I received my official diagnosis. Since that time I have been unemployed as my anxiety was unbearable. There were surrounding circumstances which drove me to this point. But I still hate that I lost a great job and I am stuck here at this point again. When you have BPD it is almost like you end up starting your life over every so often and it becomes draining. When you are an adult it is even more daunting as you know you have responsibilities. You can’t just say “fuck it” even though your insides are screaming that.
Maybe things will calm sooner than later….
Ever since I can remember I always felt different, but I never could understand why. I was not diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) until my early 20’s. Finally a diagnosis and once explained the in’s and out’s of the disorder I immediately recognized ME.
My life has been a constant wheel of chaos – I thrived on being the outsider, yet secretly desired to not be. I was up and down, in and out and it could change in an instant. I know now I feared being abandoned. Having lost my Father at a young age I was terrified of losing my mother and this later was projected onto all relationships.
I have always taken the bumpy road as the easy road was never exciting enough. I lived in a world of rebellion and skirted the edge of danger. I feared being along but yet didn’t fear trying anything; even if it meant myself being hurt. See as a borderline it’s not so much about hurting others as we are more than happy to hurt ourselves. Most who are diagnosed as such threaten suicide or will do self-harm. Most have scars which can tell their story.
We just want to be like everyone else and everything for us is magnified by one hundred on the emotional scale. Some are high functioning and others low functioning and some are a combination of both. We strive to the normalcy which it seems everyone else has. But who really is normal?
Tales of A Borderline
I wanted to share my thoughts as a borderline with others who also have the daily struggle and to help educate others about this disorder. Borderline Personality has been stigmatized and many do not fully understand the disorder.
Many people struggle with this disorder, most commonly women. However, we can live fully functioning lives if we can find ways to cope. I will be sharing my stories and how I have learned to live as a Borderline.